Friday, December 05, 2003

Because the name "Biggus Dickus" was taken?

Fossilised crustacean boasts oldest penis A newly discovered 425 million-year-old fossil boasts a lurid claim to fame - it has the oldest penis on record.

The five millimetre long crustacean, discovered by UK and US researchers, has been named Colymbosathon ecplecticos - derived from the Greek for "astounding swimmer with a large penis".

The well-endowed creature is surprisingly similar to modern relatives, despite being entombed nearly half a billion years ago, says the team.

David Siveter, a paleontologist at the University of Leicester, and colleagues unearthed the clamlike species in a rock formation in Herefordshire, UK. The creature possesses a hard shell, an organ for grabbing prey, six gills, as well as a "copulatory organ [that] is large and stout", says the team....

From Monty Python's Life of Brian:

BRIAN
I'm not Jewish ... I'm a Roman!
PILATE
*WOMAN*?
BRIAN
No, *ROMAN*.
(But he's not quick enough to avoid another blow from the CENTURION.)
PILATE
So, your father was a *WOMAN*. Who was he?
BRIAN (proudly)
He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison.
PILATE
Oh. What was his name?
BRIAN
Nortius Maximus.
(An involuntary titter arises from the CENTURION.)
PILATE
Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
CENTURION
Well ... no sir.
PILATE
You sound vewwy sure ... have you checked?
CENTURION
Well ... no sir ... I think it's a joke, sir ... like ... Sillius Soddus
or ... Biggus Dickus.
PILATE
What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?
CENTURION
Well ... it's a ... joke name, sir.
PILATE
I have a vewwy gweat fwend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.
(Involuntary laughter from a nearby GUARD surprises PILATE.)
PILATE
Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in
gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
(The GUARD tries to stop giggling. PILATE turns away from him. He is angry.)
BRIAN
Can I go now sir ...
(The CENTURION strikes him.)
PILATE
Wait till Biggus hears of this!
(The GUARD immediately breaks up again. PILATE turns on him.)
PILATE
Wight! Centuwion ... take him away.
CENTURION
Oh sir, he only ...
PILATE
I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.
CENTURION
Yes, sir.
(He starts to drag out the wretched GUARD. BRIAN notices that little
attention is being paid to him.)
PILATE
I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiewy.
(He walks slowly towards the other GUARDS.)
PILATE
Now ... anyone else feel like a little giggle when I mention my fwend ...
(He goes right up to one of the GUARDS.)
Biggus ... Dickus. He has a wife you know.
(The GUARDS tense up.)
Called Incontinentia.
(The GUARDS relax.)
Incontinentia Buttocks!

1 comment:

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